if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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