Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
