I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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