Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.