Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
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I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating