Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
