haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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