Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
