Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
