i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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