So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's just like the Real World with babies
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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