omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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