OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
