if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i will never coherently bang her
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Randomize
