Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
