Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
