am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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