one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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