Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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