Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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