Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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