Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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