My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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