I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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