I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
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And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
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She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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