i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
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i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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