don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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