My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
