My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
