sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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