God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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