dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
