Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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