I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
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I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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