please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
