Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
