Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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