He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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