Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
