good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Randomize
