My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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