Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
