They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
