OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
