Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
