I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
