I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
