If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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