you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
