some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
