...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
