Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
