My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
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Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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