At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Randomize
