This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.