forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"