seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
