There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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