that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
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