How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
