how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
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after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
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He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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